July's Editor's Note
It’s a Sickness, Ya’ll. It’s not Funny!
By Cashana
Everyone has fears, some more paralyzing than others. I have a few of them myself. One, I am petrified to drive on bridges which are above water. When I tell folks this, they usually have that WTF look on their faces. And I have to go on this 10 minute diatribe about how this fear manifested itself back in 1992.
In 1992, my cousin got married in Orlando, Florida. So the family made the trek to Orlando by car to participate in the wedding and have a mini family vacation at Disney World. Yeah, that should have been reason enough not to have another family vacation. We were in Orlando during the era when Denny’s hated black folk. We were victims of their discrimination and a few years later were able to cash in on their intolerable behavior, but I digress. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so the morning we were to drive back to Alabama it rained. If you have ever been to Orlando, you know they need Jesus down there because it can be raining on one side of the street and sunny on the exact opposite. So I was going to start off driving first because my cousin was harried after being lost for a long while after taking her husband to the airport. As we made our way to the interstate, I stopped at a stop sign and when I hit the gas to go, I hydroplaned and we missed hitting two utility poles by the hair on our chins. Needless to say it scared the bejeebus out of me. Luckily no one was hurt and the car wasn’t damaged except needing an alignment. Well, my folks in their infinite wisdom decided I needed to drive after our first stop, because they didn’t want me to have a fear of driving. Well, I did drive a good portion of the trip back home, but I was attacked by the most unbelievable feelings. Every time I would cross a bridge whether there was water under them or not, I would start sweating and get extremely nervous. I had never felt such panic before in my life. And I noticed my body would react worse when there was water. And that is how my fear of bridges over water was born. To this day the fear is crippling and although I laugh about it, it scares me because it limits my driving. Shit, I want a Godfather’s pizza and the closest one is in Mobile. Can’t go because the bridge into the town sends me to the floor board of any car. You can ask Mary S, what I did when I drove from Mobile to some town in Mississippi and I had stopped in the middle of the interstate because I had driven over the bridge before the casinos so I just couldn’t keep driving thinking I may have to cross another bridge. She knows the deal now.
My most embarrassing fear is of lizards. I fear them like no other animal except snakes, worms and frogs. At my house we have a gazillion of geckos that live in the brick area of our house. In the winter, they are hibernating (that is the only reason I can fathom why I don’t see them) and in the summer they are every where on the bricks at night. Soon as first night comes, here there ugly azzes come. When my uncle was alive it wasn’t unusual for him to get out of bed to open the door for me because the dayum lizards were on the screen door or on the door jams making it impossible for me to get into the house. I do not care that some of ya’ll are laughing and I don’t care if they are smaller than me. If one of those dayum lizards touches me I know I will have a heart attach and die. This summer I miss my uncle something fierce, because he understood this fear was no joke. If a lizard was in the house or in my room, I would go and say, “Uncle John, there is a lizard in my room or in the house.” His response was always, “That lizard don’t want you.” Then he would come and get them. What? I know he was old and had health ailments, but I am scared of lizards. So when my cousin related she found a lizard in our sink, I acted fearful and telling her that I am glad it was her rather than me, because I am not sure God would have talked to me like he did her to get the lizard out of the house. (What she doesn’t know is I saw that dayum lizard in the sink and I basically said it could have the house, I was out. Plus, I knew she was coming and she doesn’t have my heart ailment problem when it comes to lizards. And ya’ll better not tell her!) .
Now, here is the funny thing that happened due to my fear of lizards. I went to the liquor store to get some Amaretto and Sweet and Sour mix. My new drink of choice now and as I was standing at the counter getting ready to pay for my purchase I did a quick turn and looked to my left and ya’ll I saw a lizard. I immediately screamed in a store full of folks! I was so scared and luckily I had put my purchases on the counter because I would have dropped them due to instant paralysis. Oh my goodness! The clerk was like, “Ma’am are you okay?” I was like yes, but I am scared of lizards. Um, of course he was looking at me like I had already had enough liquor because ya’ll know that lizard was fake? I won’t be going to that ABC store for a while, not because of the fake lizard, but because of my earth shattering scream! (I’ll have to tell ya’ll about the time I almost wrecked because a lizard was on my windshield!) Imani!