My Layers

 By Cashana

©  2008

I have many layers.  Each one serves a special purpose; whether to protect or to love me, they all make me who I am as a person.

I have a layer of “meaness.”   While this may be no surprise to many, I took on this layer as a child seeing how being mean could change many things.  My grandmother used to beat brothers asses morning, noon and night but they would always come back.  Hey, what’s a black eye between lovers, right?  I saw how my being mean can affect folks.  When I don’t want to talk to you, it ain’t going to happen.  The tone of my voice can be so strong that nothing can change the “meaness” in it when the treble in my voice reaches a fever pitch.  And then there are some folks who take my assertiveness for being mean.  But they don’t know me or even begin to understand my layers.  Saying no is not being mean.  It’s knowing who you are and being realistic. 

I have a layer of compassion.  I empathize with the struggle to make a dollar out of 15 cents.  My mama did it all the time.  I understand how hard it is to do what needs to be done for your children, but many times fall short on their expectations.  I understand the young black man who was recently released from prison and he wants to do better, but can’t catch a break.  What is he to do when no employer will take a chance on him?  It doesn’t even matter that he has been deduced to begging for a menial job only to be turned down.  I see the sadness behind his crooked smile, dejected swagger and deep buried need for understanding.  Everybody deserves a chance, don’t they?

I have a layer of “I ain’t dealing with your bullshit.”  I refuse to embrace other people’s bullshit.  That means if you out here spouting that you’re happy, you’re in love, you’re life is a bowl of bing cherries all the time, but I know your azz don’t even love yourself much less like yourself, I ain’t dealing with your bullshit.  I am a people watcher, which is probably another one of my layers, and I have this uncanny knack of seeing below the surface and for some folks it ain’t pretty.  Usually, I treat these folks with a long handled pole, because they are too needy for me.  There aren’t enough layers for me to deal with their bullshit, when I have my own to shovel through.   

I have a layer of protectiveness.  I protect my family and close friends.  I will not allow folks to harm them and I will take up for them.  But this is only if they are not lying or wading in shit.  I look out for those I care about.  I give it to them straight, no chaser.  So if they ask, I answer with truth, and we all know most folks don’t want to hear the truth.  But isn’t it honesty that keeps us safe?

There is a layer of introspection around me.  I think about things on levels many folks wouldn’t dare do.  I know my issues, I know my quirks, I know who I am and I know my likes, hates and hurts.  And I know I am anal at times. These are all part of my layers.  When I am in the moment of looking closely at myself, sometimes I like what I see and at other times I am appalled.

There is also a layer of blessedness.  I am covered with many blessings seen and many unseen.  This blanket allows me to be thankful for each day I can wake up from sleep, because I know my own mother’s blanket was pulled away seemingly too soon.  Each day I relish in the antidotes of my aunt, who can still spout some witty and wise statements, because I know her blanket is patterned with many years of wisdom.  I have two beautiful nieces whose eyes reflect love and content (although Hunny Bunny is ‘bout tired of me!).  My sister is my best friend, sometimes. {I’m your best friend ALL THE TIME!!! I don’t even know what we ate on Labor Day!}  (She wouldn’t bring me dinner on Labor Day.)  My family is a blessing even if they are special at times, aggravating at times and possibly in need of meds at times, but I would be lost without them.  My layer of blessings is something I can’t always put into words, but its immense feeling envelops me always.

Life has shaped me and I will have lived 39 years in this world come September 10^th and I make no excuses for my truths, I kiss no ass, I settle for no one and I don’t apologize for being me.  Even when I have to shovel my way through my own bullshit, I do take the time to remark on the rainbow before me or the hummingbird I see, because that is how precious life is to me.  The little things matter.  You see, my layers are all part of me and you either like it or you don’t, because with me there are no gray areas; just layers and layers of black and white.  Imani!